


through the tainted yellow fog

by Ford_Ye_Fiji



Series: kinsukuroi (broken pieces laced with gold) [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Caleb Widogast Deserves Nice Things, Caleb Widogast Has Issues, Caleb Widogast Needs a Hug, Caleb Widogast is a Mess, Caleb Widogast-centric, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Protective Nott | Veth Brenatto, Sad Caleb Widogast, Self-Loathing Caleb Widogast, Yasha ain’t in this much rip, i love all of these tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:28:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25414696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ford_Ye_Fiji/pseuds/Ford_Ye_Fiji
Summary: Caleb and Nott meet the rest of the Nein.Everything is almost the same.
Series: kinsukuroi (broken pieces laced with gold) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1840738
Comments: 7
Kudos: 147





	through the tainted yellow fog

**Author's Note:**

> Should probably read the first part of this series first ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Nott poked her head up over the side of the bed, peering down at her sleeping compatriot. It had been a rough day yesterday, but they’d gotten through alright. Which was amazing if you thought about it, especially considering Caleb's circumstances.

Honestly, even if the road had been a rocky one, breaking Caleb out of that asylum was the best thing that she had ever done, next to Yeza of course. Caleb was wickedly smart and talented, and he was simply the nicest person she had ever met, half-mad as he was. Or whole mad. But did it matter really? The sanest people who were loved by all were almost always the most terrible while the people who were mad and lonely and monstrous were the kindest to creatures like her.

Nott scrambled onto the bed, feeling it dip slightly under her.

That asylum had obviously not been doing him any favors becuase he’d already improved at least a little bit since they’d been traveling together. He was still odd and strange, but he was less prone to drifting away to whatever terrible fog clouded his mind. There were definitely days worse than others, horrible days, but it was worth it she found for the afterwards, when he, when Caleb, came back to her.

Picking his name had been a journey, he’d gone by a few others before she came up with Caleb and he came up with Widogast. And it had really felt then, that the mad man with wide blue eyes and burning hair had a name.

Their heists and robberies had grown a little more complicated and intricate as Caleb became more present, cemented in the Now as he called it. His magic grew slowly, but surely. She stole him books and he wrote and wrote, filling them with words and spells and magic. He was so clever, so very clever, even as the madness pulled at his brilliant mind.

Things had been bad again, however, for a few days. Caleb had devolved a bit, when they got caught and thrown into a prison. It had been bad. Very bad. But they’d gotten out. And while it had been a month or two since then, she had felt his mood still poisoned by the experience. And yesterday had been truly bad as well. They’d almost died.

They’d been talking, since the prison, of finding a new group and that recent experience had only solidified it. She knew how much Caleb wanted a larger group, but she knew of his hesitance. His was a... unique situation. And the amount of times they’d both been terrified of him being thrown back into a place like the asylum was too many to count.

Nott sighed and gently brushed the mess of red hair away from Caleb's dirty forehead. His brow was furrowed, lips twisted, the familiar sign of an approaching nightmare.

It was about time to wake up anyway.

"Caleb..." she kept stroking his hair, "Hey, Caleb, it’s time to wake up."

It only took a few moments, he was a light sleeper.

He blinked carefully, blue eyes clear and bright. Nott felt relief at the sight of them. It wasn’t going to be a bad day. There were no clouds in those eyes.

She smiled, teeth wide and sharp and made to rend flesh from bone, but Caleb didn’t flinch, no, he only smiled fondly and said, "Guten morgen, Nott."

* * *

Caleb hunched inwards into his coat, eyes darting from the blue tiefling to the half-orc to the human woman staring at them. Too many eyes, too much attention. He wanted to grab the amulet buried under his dirty coat and vanish, but unfortunately he did not know such a spell. 

"...You know they have showers here. It’s possible."

Nott looked between him (not making eye contact- shrinking away) and the blue tiefling staring at them. She snapped on Caleb's behalf, "Well of course he’s stinky- we just got to town!"

She put a hand protectively on Caleb's shoulder, glowering at them from under her hood and over her porcelain mask, daring them to say anything.

The girl stared, "Oh. Well, so did we! We're all pretty new then, I guess. I’m Jester!" She held out her hand to Nott, grin wide and sharp.

Nott looked at her distrustfully, "I’m Nott. Nott the Brave."

She didn’t take her hand.

Caleb's eyes darted between Nott and this Jester, watching them warily. His skin itched underneath the dirty wrappings. Jester stared at him, and he didn’t like it, he didn’t like the eyes staring- searching- peeling him apart. The half orc and the human only seemed more interested at his evasive behavior and he didn’t- he didn’t- why wouldn’t they  _stop?_

Jester smiled, eyes turning to study Nott, "And who is your friend, Nott the Very Brave? I like your name by the way, it’s really nice."

Nott scowled. Jester stared at her.

Caleb swallowed, he couldn’t let them look at Nott, he couldn’t let them see her. That would be bad, especially here in the crowded tavern with  _so many_ people.

Maybe it had been a mistake coming here into town. It had felt like the right decision last night, when they didn’t feel safe, when they felt like an attack could come from around every corner. But now there were too many curious glances and whispered words and  eyes _on him-_

Nott's fingers tightened around his shoulder and he came back to himself, the blue tiefling now looking at him with wide concerned eyes. He blurted, hoping to distract her from that, "Caleb Widogast!"

It came out louder than he wanted it too and he watched Nott wince at the noise. He clamped his mouth shut, cursing himself and staring resolutely back at the table.

The tiefling stared, "Oh. Well nice to meet you, Caleb!" She turned back to the people at her table, "How much silver did I get?"

"Seven!" The human woman yelled almost as loudly as Caleb's panicked squawk.

Jester jumped in her seat, startled, "Woo!"

"And sixteen copper, aren’t y’all jealous?" 

Caleb shrunk backwards. Nott glanced away from them, pulling her hood farther downwards. Caleb tried his best not to meet their eyes, his hand in a white knuckled grip on Nott's shoulder, pulling her close against him.

The strangers seemed unfazed.

However, it didn’t take long for them to become curious. The human women, who introduced herself as Beauregard and the half-orc named Fjord, and, of course, Jester were very nosy. They wouldn’t look away, they kept staring, picking him apart and then they asked about Nott and her bandages and the mask and he could see their suspicions growing in them.

What would they do if they found out? He couldn’t let that happen, not again-

Caleb dug his fingers into the table.

He would not have an episode, not right now, not when Nott  _needed_ him.

He saw her glance worriedly at him and then she scowled back at the group for putting him on edge and oh, he cared for her  _so much._

Beauregard leaned close, eyes searching her face, asking the very question that Caleb was dreading, "Say... why are you so wrapped up?" 

Jester added, "Ooo are you like super cold all the time? Or are you like hideously scarred and now you don’t let anyone see you because you’re afraid of scaring babies or something?"

Nott glanced at the both of them, "Oh, yeah, definitely something like that. Terribly scarred. Super ugly." 

Caleb sucked in a breath, blurting almost automatically, "You are not ugly, you are beautiful-  _wonderful_ , Nott, how many times-“ he choked, realizing he'd spoken, had it been too much? Would they realize?

"Ah- Ah I mean-“

Jester cooed, "Awww that’s so sweet, Caleb! You know I wasn’t too sure about you but that was really nice."

He flushed and buried his chin back into his scarf, knee bouncing nervously.

And then Fjord, who had been terribly silent for some time, sat up straight, eyes suddenly wide. He leaned towards Beauregard and whispered something he couldn’t make out into her ear.

She blinked and then leaned forwards again, trying to search out Nott's eyes under the hood. Caleb put his hand in front of her, brows furrowing, panic clogging his throat. If they had found out-

Beauregard's eyes flicked to his and he  _knew_ that she knew. He gave her his best glare and shook his head, arm pulling Nott closer protectively. She raised an eyebrow and sat back, turning and whispering into Jester's ear.

Jester gasped and then scooted her chair over.

Both Nott and Caleb leaned back.

She whispered almost too loud, "Nott are you- are you a  _goblin?!_ "

Caleb's breath froze and then his fingers fumbled, grabbing for his pouch with his spell components on instinct and Nott hissed, hands going for her crossbow. Jester held up her hands, "Wait, wait, we're not going to hurt you- we just were curious!"

They paused, stilling. Nott glanced up at Caleb warily.

Caleb swallowed and then leaned forward, voice low, calling upon an old and almost familiar confidence and capability that he must have once possessed, "Yes, she's a goblin, don't make a big thing out of it okay? She’s not doing any harm to you, just leave it,  _please_." His voice broke.

Oh that wasn’t good, he’d shown weakness there, too much of his desperation leaking out into that plea. They could use that.

Jester only looked worried before nodding and leaning back, "Of course not! We don’t mind, right guys?" She turned to look back at Beau and Fjord who had also reached instinctively for their weapons. They relaxed slowly. Beauregard looked at them with even more curiosity if that was possible, "Yeah, no, we don’t mind."

Caleb blinked, almost disbelieving them.

Nott's fingers tightened their grip on his coat.

It was lucky then, that the circus people walked in.

* * *

Caleb breathed heavily, eyes wild, breath stuttering in his chest, "N- Nott! Nott!"

He turned, and then felt her small hands on his arm, he looked down and there she was- a little breathless and excited, but no worse for wear, "I'm here, Caleb!"

His shoulders slumped, fingers shaking from where they were clutched around a diamond (they had risked  so much for the diamond just so he could use this spell and he’d shaken so badly that he missed a few times when it had really  _counted_ , which was stupid-  _stupid)._

Nott's fingers wrapped around his hands, "Caleb?"

His eyes had drifted and caught sight of the strange monsters that had once been human. They were dead on the floor dripping with blood and composed of newly rotting flesh, grotesquely twisted in an array of alarming shapes and he couldn’t  _breathe-_

"Caleb!"

And they weren’t just those poor Trostenwald villagers dead on the floor, they were Mutter and Vater, made of ash and dust and their blood on his hands, skin crackled and burnt, jaws gaping and teeth blackened and charred and  _grinning_ at him-

When the world came back into focus he was on the ground, the colorful tent high above him and Nott was crouched at his side and hissing at someone, "Don't _fucking_ touch us! You hear me? Get the fuck away from him!"

He blinked, sucking in air and turning his head.

The bright purple, horned, colorful, and awfully concerned tiefling known as Mollymauk sat beside him, a hand hovering, "Look he needs help, and you can’t get help if you won’t let anyone touch him-“

Caleb knew that was the wrong thing to say, even he felt the thrill of fear run through him at the mention of help, "No! No help, back off!"

He heard a guard nearby, "Should we intervene- that halfling is being awfully aggressive-“

Caleb lurched, pushing himself up, blood on his palms from where his nails had dug into them. He scrambled to his feet, shoving Nott behind him protectively, hoping that the guards and Mollymauk would leave them be, "I’m fine, I’m fine, nothing is wrong, nothing is wrong. Please don’t- we won’t- we won’t- we won’t-“ he sucked in a breath and he could feel the fire at the back of mind tugging at his brain-

Nott shoved forwards, teeth barred from under her mask and hoping to distract them from Caleb's increasingly intelligible speech, "Leave us alone!"

Mollymauk raised up his hands, "I didn’t mean to interfere, I was just trying to make sure that you all were okay. Didn’t mean to cause more chaos." His red eyes flicked warily from them to the guards.

Caleb sucked in another breath, ragged and heavy. He took Nott's hand again, voice rough as he whispered, "Today is not a good day. Not a good day, liebling."

"I know, Caleb, I know. It hasn’t been great for me either. We'll get back to the tavern as soon as we can. Just hold on, I’ll keep the smoke at bay."

He nodded and held on.

* * *

"Aright, so, now that we’ve addressed the zombies in the room," Jester nodded at Mollymauk's statement as he continued, "How about we address you two?" And he pointed at Caleb huddled in the corner of their booth, Nott pressed upon against him, his hand in hers. He’d hardly said a word since he’d had that strange episode in the tent and he’d definitely said nothing since they’d gotten back to the tavern.

Nott glowered, "What do you mean?"

Jester's lips twisted and Beauregard raised an eyebrow, "Honestly what  _isn’t_ there to address, Nott?"

Fjord held up a hand, "I think what Beau is trying to say is that you’re an odd sort. And we're all wondering what is, uh, going on-“

Nott's fingers tightened around Caleb's hand, voice dripping with an accusatory anger, "You're saying Caleb is weird and you wanna know why. You think there’s something wrong with him."

Jester bit her lip, "Wellllll, I mean, a little bit? You know you have both been pretty weird. But I mean, we're all super weird too so you know, there’s that."

Fjord looked between her, Nott, and Caleb, who's fingers hadn’t stopped scratching at the bandages on his arms since the circus tent, "Well, this is, hmmm, a  _very_ different kind of weirdness, Jester."

Beau frowned, "Look can we stop fucking dancing around the issue? You’re a goblin, he’s a human and he’s- he's  _catatonic_ right now!" She gestured expansively at Caleb.

Nott hissed, something dangerous in her voice, "He’s okay! He’s fine! Or he was doing fine until we went to a circus with a bunch of weirdos and zombies!"

Molly held up his hands, "Now hang on a minute there, friend-“

Nott glared darkly at him.

Fjord eyed Caleb, "He doesn't look fine, Nott." He reached forward, perhaps to nudge him, but as he came closer Caleb glanced up, eyes wide, and jolted backwards, "Warte, halt nein-!”

Nott slapped his hand away, hissing furiously, her pupils slitted and teeth sharp and yellow. She almost looked like a feral goblin for a moment and Fjord jerked away instinctively.

Caleb shuddered, breathing slowly as he took in the situation. The empty tavern around them and Nott half on the table, growling at four very taken aback people. He put his hand on her shoulder, trying to force the fog away, "Nott- Nott I am fine, it is okay."

Nott didn’t look away from them as she answered, "Are you okay, Caleb?"

"I am fine."

She slowly lowered herself back to her seat, still glaring.

Caleb looked at them, swallowing as he saw them all  looking at him, four pairs of eyes oh him, peeling him apart like flesh peeling from bone- and that was a place he did not need to return too. Caleb took a breath again and tried to dig back to the zombies. He couldn’t quite remember how he had gotten here from the tent and his brows furrowed as he tried to bring up any recollection he’d had, "W- what is going on?"

Fjord glanced between him and Nott before beginning carefully, "We were, uh, merely wondering what y’alls stories were."

Mollymauk added, nodding towards his arms, "And Caleb, I feel I must say, you’ve nearly scratched through those bandages."

Caleb looked down and, seeing the frayed cloth stained pink from blood, hid his hands under the table quickly, "Why- why the curiosity?"

Beau leaned forward and he shrunk backwards, "We're all going to be working together to solve this problem and clear our names.  I would like to know what _the fuck_ is wrong with you before I get into some serious life-threatening shit with you. Because, seriously, Caleb- the fuck?" 

Caleb looked away, "Well, I am uh, a little weird."

Jester winced, "Well, maybe more than a little, Caleb."

He brought a hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose, "Schisse, fine, I am. I am not aj, I am not sane, exactly?"

Beau blinked, " _What the fuck?"_

He held up his hands, "I am- I am not- it’s- I’ve been getting better!"

Nott spoke up, hand fisting in the sleeve of his coat, "It comes and goes. He has- he has episodes. But we were doing very well!"

Fjord half laughed, voice thick with incredulity, "You're- you’re crazy?"

Jester nudged his shoulder, scolding him, "Don't be rude, Fjord." She added almost conspiratorially to Caleb, "Don't worry, Caleb. You are the nicest crazy person I’ve ever met... And also the  only crazy person I’ve ever met."

Beau squinted at him, "Am I the only one who’s wondering if you’re insane why you aren’t... getting help?"

Caleb flinched and being picking at his nails, "I- I- I was- it wasn’t working. They weren’t- I didn’t- it was nicht gut."

Nott spoke up again, pointing at them, "And if any of you tries to send him back there I’ll shoot you in the neck-“

Beau and Molly started sputtering and Fjord held up his hand, "Hey- hey, now. We mean no harm. We won’t try and get into your business, okay? As long as you promise that... uh, that you’re not a danger, Caleb, we're fine."

Caleb looked away, lips thin.

Nott sighed, "Look, okay. Here’s how it is, big guy," Fjord raised an eyebrow as she said it like it was almost an insult, "Sometimes Caleb leaves for a bit. Don’t touch him when that happens, don't go near him. As long as you don’t do anything and you let  _me_ take care of it, he’s not dangerous in the slightest."

Jester whispered, "Caleb _leaves?_ Where does he go?"

Caleb picked at the wood on the table, “It... it is like a fog, ja? I don’t... I don’t know. I don’t remember much of... of Before. Only vague shapes and ideas. But I think that is where I go though."

Beau rubbed her forehead, "...Before?"

Caleb breathed in, avoiding eye contact, "Ja, Before. Before I... broke. I- I think I know what happened. But maybe not. I can’t be sure. There is... there is too much smoke. I try not to think about it, you know?"

Beau shook her head, "No, no actually, I don’t know. Because I’m not  _batshit."_

Nott hissed but Beau ignored her, shrugging and leaning backwards, "But you know what? Fuck it, who am I to judge?"

She slung back her trost and then set it down with a thump, wiping her mouth, "So back to the matter at hand. How are we going to find out who  _actually_ made the zombies?"

Caleb, somehow, was comforted by her dismissiveness of his condition. He leaned forward to listen, Nott's hand in his, finding himself fully invested in the Now. 

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr here: https://ford-ye-fiji.tumblr.com/


End file.
